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Emotional Intelligence in Teams: Why “Being Nice” Can Be a Leadership Trap

Picture a leader with emotional intelligence.
How do they behave with their team? How do they respond to challenges? What does working with them feel like?

If you imagine someone who’s generous with praise, smooths over disagreements, never raises their voice, and always keeps their cool — you’re in good company. Many people equate a high-EQ leader with being “nice.”

Adam Grant, a renowned organizational psychologist from Wharton and bestselling author, emphasizes in an Inc. article that this is a common and serious mistake in thinking about leadership. Research by Harvard experts leads to similar conclusions.

Here’s the problem: being nice is not the same as being emotionally intelligent — and in some cases, it may even be a stress-driven fawn response that undermines both leadership and team effectiveness.

Nice is fine — but teams need more than nice

Respect and kindness are essential in leadership. Research is clear: being unpleasant damages mental health, team cohesion, and productivity. But niceness alone can keep teams from addressing real issues.

Amy Edmondson and Michaela Kerrissey, pioneers in the study of psychological safety, warn that many leaders confuse safety with comfort. Shielding teams from discomfort may keep the mood light temporarily, but it kills candor — and without candor, teams can’t innovate or grow.

“Wanting to be nice, people avoid being honest and… collude in producing ignorance and mediocrity.” — Edmondson & Kerrissey

When “nice” is actually fawning

In trauma psychology, the fawn response is a survival strategy — part of the fight–flight–freeze–fawn set — where a person seeks safety by appeasing or pleasing others. On the surface, it can look like kindness. But underneath, it’s often driven by fear of conflict, rejection, or negative consequences.

Leaders in a fawn pattern may:

  • Avoid difficult conversations entirely.

  • Say “yes” when they mean “no.”

  • Suppress disagreement to maintain harmony.

  • Sacrifice honest feedback to be liked.

While this may keep short-term peace, it damages trust and long-term performance. It’s not emotional intelligence — it’s anxiety management.

True emotional intelligence involves being able to deliver hard truths respectfully, not avoiding them to preserve comfort.

The emotionally intelligent team

On an individual level, emotionally intelligent team members communicate effectively, empathize with others, and build supportive relationships. They create an environment that supports innovation and problem-solving.

But emotional intelligence is also a collective skill. Research by Vanessa Druskat and colleagues shows that high-performing teams develop group emotional intelligence: shared norms for interpreting and responding to emotionally charged situations.

These norms shape how teams:

  • Give and receive feedback openly.

  • Resolve conflict constructively.

  • Support each other under pressure.

  • Balance results with psychological safety.

Leaders set the tone. A leader’s emotional intelligence directly influences whether their team develops these norms — or whether the climate slips into politeness without honesty.

Why EQ matters more in a BANI world

We work in a brittle, anxious, non-linear, and incomprehensible (BANI) environment. Change is constant. Disruption is normal. External shocks — from global crises to rapid technological shifts — test a team’s adaptability.

In this context, emotional intelligence becomes a resilience multiplier. High-EQ leaders help their teams:

  • Stay calm and focused under uncertainty.

  • Surface problems early instead of burying them.

  • Maintain trust through difficult changes.

  • Use discomfort as a driver for learning and innovation.

Kind, not just nice

If you want to strengthen your team’s emotional intelligence, shift from “being nice” to “being kind.”

  • Niceness is about pleasing others in the moment.

  • Kindness is about doing what’s best for them — even if it’s uncomfortable.

Telling a team member, “Don’t worry, it’s fine” after a flawed presentation might feel nice. Helping them prepare for the next one so they succeed — that’s kind.

The takeaway for leaders

If you equate emotional intelligence with being perpetually nice, you risk slipping into fawn-mode leadership — prioritizing harmony over honesty and comfort over growth.

True emotional intelligence means you:

  • Model empathy and self-awareness.

  • Build norms for open, respectful dialogue.

  • Address issues directly without hostility.

  • Value long-term growth over short-term comfort.

In today’s volatile environment, that’s not just a leadership style — it’s your team’s competitive edge.